Dream interpreter.

Recently, I have started to watch my beloved granny (Nani) in frequent dreams. Every other sleep.

After almost twenty minutes of staring at the cursor I couldn’t figure it out what I wanted to write here. I should end this entry hence.

Updates

There was a lot to write about; thoughts, experiences, emotions, events and what not. But I believe there is also a right time to share, if the time has gone, it’s of no use. Anyway, so I think I will just update the blog with some major events.

• My cell phone was snatched at gun point.
• I need to see a dentist but cant find a time.
• My dad arrived.
• Dad and mom went to Malaysia to meet big bro.
• I am home alone.
• I earnestly wished to spend sometime with a friend, let it be a lunch or just a hang out, but for one reason or the other I couldn’t.
• I went thru some major emotional up’s and down’s and now I stand somewhere at the middle – balanced.
• Before todays off, I worked ten continuous days.

Errr… I have become ‘tun’ I don’t remember what else to write.

Men don’t cry.

Bloody Hell! They certainly do. They feel the same pain, they love as much as anyone else can, and, unlike a senseless machine they do have emotions. I do; and I cried – two days ago. Reasons are bit too personal and I don’t want to share. But, what I do want to share is a different feeling, a different thought. There are times in life when you badly wish for something; you promise yourself that when you can – you will. And when you have, what once you wished, the reasons are gone. I have it now, but my reason is no more.

Bed time lines.

It is ridiculously funny how sometimes little things can boost your confidence, moral and positive thinking and vice versa when even minor thing can make your day ruin. Even funnier is, you know exactly what’s happening and still unable to truly control your inner self. Its time I should see if few hour sleep works as a motivator; which I doubt will do.

Judge me

They say, judge me not, by my mere blog entries. I say, judge me, by my each and single entry. They say, those were the bad times I had and shared, I am not what I must have looked like. I say, yes! Those were the bad times I had and shared, so judge me, by how I act when I am dispersed. They say, oh that’s not real me, you know, I was just trying to impress a beautiful girl who happen to read my blog by being sensitive. I say, yes! I was trying to impress a beautiful girl who happens to read my blog by being sensitive, so judge me, because that too, is what I am, and what I can do. They say, how can you judge me by my mere lines, my distressed words and thoughts? I say, judge me, because you will anyway.

A _____ Week.

Yes, you can fill the blank. As some of you know just before it started I was involved in one funny, crazy incident (read the last post). But what I didn’t mention in previous post is this week is also my Birthday Week. It is also a first week at work. Although, I did join the organization on 4^th of July but from Monday I actually started working. And, when my birthday started my cell phone was turned off because, yes indeed, I was working; and some of the friends who attempted to wish, failed to do so. I was again at work on my birthday and the day ended in a similar fashion it started. No, I am not complaining, in fact I was smiling and feeling a little strange, little different.

Now, I am sick. I have a flu, tonsils and temperature, and, it’s been fourteen hours since I woke up after a four hours sleep. I know, after I write this post there will be no time to hit the bed, and, I know there won’t be a possibility to sleep before at least thirteen more hours. By the way, did I mention I am working on Sunday?

Other then that, a pleasant surprise was a visit from a ‘Choti Khala’ and a gift from my eleven year old cousin a day before my birthday. There are two more people I would like to thank immensely. And both of you know who you are (in case you read this blog). First one is a friend who was involved in one of a virtual kind of conversation with me on my birthday night when I got back, it felt, as if, it meant a lot. And, another friend is simply crazy. This friend alone, sent me 8-10 gifts on birthday, yes I m loosing a count every time I am trying to count in my mind.

What say you? What shall I name the week?

Chocolate at 3 AM.

I thought the day ended but it needed another dramatic event, funny, adventurous one. I received a call on my cell phone around 1:30 AM, a girl asked who I was because she was receiving SMS’s from my number, it was possible, because of the recent change of my package plan I can afford unlimited SMS’s now, and I have started to send single SMS to the whole group. So I told her who I was and she didn’t recall. I asked her if she don’t wish to tell me who she is she can tell me the number that’s receiving my SMS’s so I can check, maybe I have a wrong entry in my address book. In the end it turned out she was someone I knew online.

So we chatted like for an hour or so and then we both felt hungry, turned out we live nearby (hardly 5 minutes drive) and I ended up going at her place to give her a Chicken Burger and she gave me a Swiss Chocolate I think, called Gianduja Novi. Chocolate was nice (thank you). So I finally met her in strangest circumstances in oddest situation. It was fun (wasn’t it?). For a
reference, here is the Picture of the chocolate, its not very clear though.

Confusion.

A perfectly fine day turned into a totally confused and uncomfortable one. Although, to me, it is of no such importance but if you must know, I scored the highest in our final training results. In the morning, I was utterly disappointed with UBL’s banking and the customer dealing but ohh well, the feeling of no sleepless nights was ecstatic and the disappointment of UBL was negligible – a relaxed day – few funny events, random conversations with friends on phone, SMS and ofcourse, face to face. And then something happened.

No! Not something bad but different. Something that is still not very clear to me and until it gets cleared out I will be perplexed. I think communication error. I would like it to get resolved soon, maybe I need to talk, but then, sometimes it is difficult converse. Anyway, so I guess I am not going to get a very relaxed night after all.

Another unsaid thing

There are millions of unsaid things in life and reasons vary, individual to individual and within them, with each unsaid thing. Some, because they mustn’t be mentioned and others because of our mere foolishness. With our calculated reasoning, embracement, fears and what not; anyway, the point being “Add another of such thing in my life”.

Anyway, other then that I had various sleepless nights in past few days and work in the day; had some tests and training sessions. With each passing day you start to know people better according to your understanding and perception ofcourse; and start appreciating some of them more then beforehand and perhaps you become little distant with others. I am no exception. I have started to appreciate some for their wittiness, friendliness, knowledge, various other or technical skills, helpful or even for the beautiful self and as I felt, for the beautiful souls. There are exceptions ofcourse, I feel, some I might avoid for the compatibility reasons. Anyway, that will be it for now. I think, I need to hit the bed.

Talking about 'N'

At times, I can be very insensitive to people around and a bit too sensitive for myself. Both, little out of way I realize, and, shall be taken care of. I was not really in a gush to write but – N was insisting yesterday that how come he has never been mentioned in this odd world of randomness. So let’s talk about him, and, others.

The moment I met him (N) I realized he was among the best ones. Confident and experienced, bit self praising, or so I felt, in a vague few minutes introduction we had. Quite right I was I guess, he has certainly proved to be one of those who are at the top, and knowing him by now I am pleased that he is one of those who are concerned about their matters, and, not the others.

A.R. on the other hand has the best sense of humor, which is beyond the explanatory words. One must ‘encounter him’ to find out how difficult it is ‘Not to Laugh’; the good thing is, when with him, you are always laughing ‘with’ everyone and never ‘at’ anyone. Ofcourse it is not only me who thinks he too, has the qualities others don’t, or lack.

Certainly I won’t be able to talk about everyone but I will still mention A.S’s cuteness, specially when she intimates N’s laughter. And M, with her different, but decent personality. The inner confidence and the philosophy of self trust and happiness she has is inspiring.

Last week

So the first week of the training ends and I am glad to have nice people in the group. And so far, as much as I have known yet, the people around and the hierarchy seems nice too. I managed to score highest in the first test, full marks (Ofcourse I shared the place with another colleague) but, ah well, scores are not everything anyway.

I also realized how difficult it is to find a parking place in the city of Karachi, ofcourse driving is even worse. So yet again, as it is always, life gave me two options and I picked one.

Your mind is the King of yourself

From my humble experiences of life, I can now safely say that idleness itself is the cause of demotivation. Lack of communication being the other, and these are the absolute certain. To all those, struggling with hard times either physical or bitter thoughts in mind I have a simple advice for you. Your mind is the King of yourself. Let it rule, that is precisely what it does. An inactive machinery is useless and cause of distress; obey your leader, answer your king and ask for the commands; provide information for that is something most important. And I promise you the improvement of mind and body – and ofcourse, the soul.

Vanished

Vanished – I was. And can’t promise I won’t be anymore. Truth is, I know there are many proxies in existence but it’s still not the same. It feels ‘different’ using a proxy; to read, or, to write. I have thought about to shift the blogging host but so far I have been unable to convince myself to leave a ‘home’. Eventually, I might; Soon – perhaps.

As for those who might have wondered about me, nothing much have had happened. The thing I am suppose to write (educational that is) is still incomplete. Mom went for Umrah and is back already. And that’s about it.

Anonymous proxy.

Using anonymous proxy for your own blog, it feels like entering your own home using a window that opens in one of the backside rooms. Anyway.

Finally, it seems like I have found some pace again in reading after a long time. I m done with ‘Angels and Demons’ by Dan Brown and I already finished some 200 pages of ‘Raja Gidh’ by Bano Qudsia. And I have two books lined up after this. Although, there is something important waiting for my attention and so far I have been unable to deliver what it demands. Lets see.

Quote(s) of the day.

“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”

Bill Cosby.

“Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal.”

Martin Luther King, Jr.

“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”

Friedrich Nietzsche.

I will not abolish my dreams.

They make me what I am and they make me what I want to be, atleast, in dreams. In the absence of the entities that I am used to of, I can still be a part of unity – in relation – of such.

I realize the void, vague reality or rather futility of dreams. But that is to, the substantial world; for inner world though, the same futility can be the completeness of one’s self. Like all the souls in the world I have gained some, and lost some of the treasures that I wish, I never had lost. But I am thankful to God for giving me the ability to forget – forgetting is a blessing – or all the pain would kill us one day. And of course for the ability to dream, to imagine; so I can preserve what I once had as absolute.

Strange thought just crossed my mind; I think, if you read the above lines again you will notice a reflection – of you.

Yahoo! Answers.

Few days ago, finally, I did visit Yahoo! Answers and realized it can be a good time killing place if needed. There are a lot of questions being asked in almost whatever you could be interested in and along with others, you can answer too. And so can you ask the weirdest question in mind.

Apart from that, I watched ‘Rang de Basanti’ again on cable, and, well, you may say I have a weird taste in movies, but I actually did like it. (I didn’t though when I watched it first time). I think, Amir’s movies are more like cheese, ‘you need to develop the taste.’

Write write write.

Sitting, and sipping the Hot Nescafe here I am, writing for the heck of it. Okay, correction, it’s not Hot, it’s rather Warm since I don’t really drink Hot tea/coffee, I atleast give it ten minutes to cool down from its boiling point.

Write write write. But what? I have no idea; I have no thoughts, nothing in particular happening that I would like to share. Other then that, if anyone cares, I finished ‘Deception Point’ and already started ‘Angels and Demons’ by Dan Brown. After this just one more book to go by Mr. Brown. And in future, I will list his name in my Must Read Authors.

Hmmmmm.

Enough few lines for the post?

Aai mehboob merey...

Aai mehboob merey..
ye kis dar la khara kia?
na jewan hai, na maran hai
na chain,... na mukhtal

konain ki bhi hadoon se agay..
ik ajab jannat bassi hai jahan
mei khud ko aseer pata hun..

jesay zinda mujassim..
muhtaj hai dharkanon ka
apni roh ko mei...
teri deedni ka faqeer pata hun

aai balam...
mein talib-e-tarahum hun
rihai ka, ...barda-e-tanhai se...
matloob hai sangum mujhay
ramish,...deed teri...
mera jism,..meri roh
kashkol hai bus,...aai dayyak..
aai mehboob merey...
bhar day meri pyasi banhon ko
abreshmi badan se apnay...
nazakat-e-tarrahi sa namona,
deda-e-zaib kamar...
sudaul sa surmai wajood tera...
thaam lon...akwar lon

teri bay tarteeb sansain
meri bay tarteeb dharkanain
tera larazta,..nigar badan
merey laraztay,..dhahaktay lab...
faslay,.. mitatay chalain...

gulab rukhsaron ke uper
mukallal se nain tere
multamis hun mein bus...
un ki ik nazar ka
majzoob kefiyat se...
miftah-e-rihai ka...
aai mehboob mere...
mei talib,... tu mauhib
mei faqr,... tu muwaqur
narwa hai khluot buhut
mujh ko humayon ker day....
aai mehboob merey.

Feb 20th 2006. 2:30 AM

The Da Vinci Code.

After all the hype about the book I thought I will give it a try. And, after a long time, I managed to complete a book – that too, in four days. So yes, I will put the book’s name in one of the finest reads.

I am not going to write about the book, as much has been discussed all over the net and blogs. I will just add my name in the list of the victims, of the, The Da Vinci Code.

Bits and pieces.

• There are always some major points in your life that shape the way you think, change it completely or amend the thought process. It doesn’t mean the way you speak, walk or write apparently changes but the way you look at things becomes totally different. I think – January 2006 is one of those points in my life.

• Things that deeply impact your life does not need to be extraordinaire, it can be a small event, or just few words someone delivered; and it don’t even have to be directed towards you.

• Conversation between two people can make you realize how important someone is, to you. And how you would like to live your life, for them.

• Relationships have become more important to me. Separation is a fact of life in one form or the other – in this short life people are, to be united and loved; and not divided or detested.

• There is no relationship between two persons but relation itself is a separate entity and we, the people, are the links in it. Firm relation needs to ensure every link in the whole chain is strong; and sometimes being strong means – being flexible.

• I will have to live with some vacuities in my life, and there is no escape. I have imagined longing eyes waiting for some of the loved ones but before they arrive, angel of death finds her.

Different world.

The world that already seems to be normal again is not the same as it used to be; and the feeling of being convinced, of being hapless. I have lived years in disquiet because I was too young to be told that my grandfather passed away (in my folks view) but I feel I rather had to know. I wasn’t there when my grandmother (dadi) died – and yet it had to happen again at the time when I desperately didn’t want it to.

My Nani passed away too. I am not saying I wasn’t ready, but, just one last chat, to tell her now she really looked old; or to lie, things will get better again soon. Having lived with her in my childhood we shared a bond and lots of memories. Her comfy lap that I have slept into thousands of times, breakfasts in winter with butter, honey, tea and her paratha’s and my argument on making my paratha myself. The world’s most relaxing head massage one can ever had was from her hands and none of it has left.

Previously – and today, I have spent minutes (if not hours) looking at the cursor – or the keyboard, lost in scattered thoughts which bring either a dead smile on my lips or is strong enough to ache and make my eyes wet. But I have failed to bring them into words and I know – I will never be.

Happy Birthday.

Happy Birthday Mona

Prayers and wishes on your way. Have a blast and have many more, filled with joy, success and fun.

Mehndi again.

This time I did try my skills with Mehndi on Mom's hand. Laughing is strictly prohibited.

Quote of the day.

“There are three things I have always loved, and never understood – painting, music, women.”

Fontenelle.

Who killed me?

Fate? World? Chances? Circumstances? People? Luck?...

…Or was it only me.

There is a big difference, big difference between you and me. Yes You; and Me.  No matter how beautiful I seem to be, it is just the mere shell, which might burst any time, like a bubble, just like that.

I am scared, I am scared when it does, the smile on your lips will vanish in a flash. Like it does from a child’s face when a balloon unexpectedly bursts; and the perplex, what on earth happened? I am not pretty inside that shell, I will be ashamed; embarrassed. The dirt on my skin and the wounds on my soul; smell, that is unbearable. Torn apart, thrown stuff, ugly wrinkles and stains – that would be me.

And I am scared, I am scared for myself. I am too weak to hold down what I have and I know one strong jolt of the wind and everything is gone. I am scared. I am…

There are times when dreams and desires are meaningless, and the only thing that matters is – survival. I will live; I hope. But everything else is vague.