Loosing it again

Wanted to install .Net but found out my CD rom is not working anymore, thanks goodness i had the CDs saved in HD. But, i lost the key, took me a day to get it from a friend and then I found out one of the framework file is currupt. Tryed to download it, but my cable operator dont allow me to download files larger then 15 MB's. Thank God for good friends, i asked a friend to dowload it for me and send it on msn, the process took 3 days, but it didnt help bcos now the version available was a latest one and rest of the files i had were of older version. Thought okay forget it, i ll just work with SDK but that too is of 100 MB. I think i ll go buy the CD rom in a day or two but the point is the whole mood, the mind set is destroyed anyway.


I went Hydrabad & drove back on the same day. Driving is fun but tiring too. Its almost 9 AM now, i m sleepy but have to go with a friend and i have to go to the bank too. I took a shower at around 4:30 AM.

From past day or two i was readiong some blogs clicked on comments but just when i wanted to write something in there didnt find much words. So i left em empty.

Ahh. I m loosing it again. I am falling. Cant u see it from my words?

Another X-Files incident

Mom wakes me up because there was a doorbell and this neighborhood kid wants to see me. Eyes half closed I went to the door and he asked me “Atif bhai aap ki gari meri gari ke peechay khari hai wo hata dain” Okay. I said Okay to him but back in my mind I m thinking either I am still asleep or he is gone crazy, why would my khatara (car) will be behind his’s? I knew where I parked it day before. Anyways, I went to check, and indeed it was parked where he mentioned, puzzled. This is atleast 80-100 feet away from where I parked it yesterday and on the other side of the road. No one seems to know how it got there. *scratches his head*

Khuwab tu khuwab hain

Was reading Saba’s blog, her entry here reminded me of this stupid old nazam.

Khuwab tu khuwab hain.

jab eik masoom bacha
apna chota sa nazuk qadam
nujawani ki dahleez pe rakhta hai
tu apnay masoom khuwab…
apnay daman mein,
chupa ker lay ata hai
akhir bachpan se, saloon ka saath tha
aur nojawani tu, us ke liye..
ik undekhay shahar ki manind hai..
jahan la taidad ajnabi log miltay hain
sochain milti hain,
khuwab miltay hain
phir wo khuwab najanay kesay hon?
ye kion na apnay yar lay chalay?..
apnay khuwab lay chalay
“eik se tu, phir do bhalay”
wo khuwab…jo issay..
is ki azmat samjhatay hain
is ka mustakbil, isey aisay dikhlatay hain..
jesay Nadeem ki koi film
jo is ki ‘ik hi hasti’ ko
kai ropon mein batlatay hain..
kahin ik doctor,
kahin engineer
kahin Iqbal, kahin Ghalib..
kahin ye Javed ka chakka..
apnay naam se munsalik dekhta hai
hun…hmmm..
kitna hansatay hain
kitnay tu pyaray hain
is ke ye masoom khuwab
phir ye, is undekhay shahar ki bhi janib..
ik nazar dorata hai
aur nojawani mein..
dosra qadam bhi jamata hai
magar ye kia?..
yahan tu koi bhi nahi?
Ummeed aur aasain tu door..
yahan tu koi khuwab bhi nahi..
ye heart se apnay daman mein jhankta hai
magar yahan tu iskay apnay khuwab bhi nahi
tab ye jaan pata hai…. ke..
Khuwab tu khuwab hain

(12th June 1997)

How When and What.

I am often trusted as a good listener, not that I will (necessarily) provide a good solution nor I may agree to what one is trying to say, but, I give them a good ear. I try to. I have always wondered what really people think and why? I try to put myself in their shoes and often I feel they aren’t wrong (I may still feel this shouldn’t be the way one is thinking but atleast I can’t blame them). From number of experiences I have come to a conclusion that often people only have three questions in mind, when they are in disturb, vague, low, lugubrious state of mind, no matter what the problem is.

How?

When one decides in his/her mind that only ‘this’ (the one that they have in mind) solution is the right one they wonder ‘How’ will this happen. There maybe other possibilities, there maybe other good solutions but they don’t need them. They put this funny curtain over those other solutions and possibilities and blind themselves. They – only want what they have already think of no matter how ridiculous that idea maybe; and just wonder “How” will this happen?

When?

There are two slightly different reasons when the question “when” arise. When they don’t see any possibility or solution they start creating these imaginary happenings, gaining some super powers and changing the whole world, and just start waiting “when” will it happen. Or, when they refuse to do the hard job and get their shirts wet and get/gain what they should achieve, they just stay static, waiting for something will happen and they will be placed where they should be, but, when?

What?

What is the state of mind when one is completely lost, when they even loose hope, there are no when’s and there are no how’s. Just the “what”. Ohh please what will I do?

T.V.

Just for the record, I bought a TV today for myself, I mean, for my room. Now we are two ppl in the house and two TV's. And none of us is a TV freak. Errmmm lets say I either watch a movie on it (0 to 4 movies per week) or just flip the channels for hardly 15-20 min per day. I used to watch Star Trek - the next generation and X-Files, now I dont even know if they are still running these shows. So I guess my avg use of a TV should be between 40 min to an Hour per day at Max, and just for that I bought a new tv? just to keep it in my room? Errrr what on earth was I thinking?

*BANG BANG*

11:42 PM : *BANGGGGG* lights went out after a big blast.

1:00 AM : I m trying to sleep in complete 'Machars' and 'Garmi'

2:00 AM : No luck. Still trying.

2:40 AM : Got out of bed, all wet in sweat, just when i was around the door of the room *BANG* another blast, felt its in the room, i saw the flash of light for the friction of second. But where?

2:42 AM : There is a smell of burning things but what?

2:45 AM : With a light in one hand i m trying to find what was it but couldnt find anything.

3:00 AM : drinking tang

3:10 AM : Talking to amma

3:30 AM : trying to read charger light (didnt find it comfortable & droped the idea)

4:00 AM : Am on bed again.

4:40 AM : got out of bed again.

5:00 AM : Having chai

5:45 AM : Lights went on

5:55 AM : Searching room again, didnt find anything.

6:10 AM : turned on the PC (it didnt work, what the &^%$)

6:20 AM : still trying.

6:25 AM : Went to check the switch, it was all black, burnt.

6:30 AM : Took the LAN card out from PC, its all melted like an ice cream.

6:35 AM : Turned on the PC again, Thanx Goodness it worked, just the bios settings were gone.

7:00 AM : I m reading a Stephen Kings novel :-\ (No net :( )




Later that day i found out one wire from the poll dropped on another, than the other dropped on cables wires, there was a reverse electricity in cable wires. It caused something in almost every house in the neighborhood, PC's, TV's etc. And its just the start of Summer, i m expecting alot more when the rains start :-
Can someone remind me please what century we r living in again ?

My Articles

Nothing fancy. Just my articles on GupZine.

Internet2 - the Next Generation.

Shah Abdul Latif Bhitai - His life.

Correction

Seema didnt get her hair dyed.

But she was planning to?.... chalo jo bhi

Cartoons

I am sure almost everyone have watched cartoons when they were kids, perhaps some still do and I am sure they had a fair piece of laugh, enjoyed their favorite cartoons and loved em. But… maybe! I am the only weirdo out there, who, when watching a sentimental scene even in a cartoon, can drop few tears from his eyes.

Seema's Birthday.

It was Seema’s birthday yesterday. A good day and a bad day. A good day bcos she finally realized she is a “girl” not only “larki jesi cheez” and got her hair cut, dyed and dressed nicely. A good day bcos we had fun (errr did we? A little doubt in that tho :p). A good day bcos once again I realized I have some good friends and how much I love them (errr cut the final line I don’t wanna admit that online).

A bad day bcos the whole program was ruined (too many reasons to list). A bad day bcos half of the friends who promised didn’t show up. Bad day bcos confusions, time delays and making them wait here and there. A bad day bcos I realized not every one you know is like you and think like you (missed Khannu, really a true gentleman I have known) so I made few promises to myself. A bad day bcos I didn’t buy her a gift (couldn’t actually) but lets hope I will give her a post birthday gift in couple of days (if I don’t get too lazy). *yawn* that’s all for now.

I Salute.

Just bcos i wanted to post this here, so i can keep it for the eternity.



Few days back it was 41 degree Celsius (around 106 F) with 70+% of humidity. I felt even hell would be lot cooler than this, the weather was simply, killing. I was with my friend that afternoon, shes a Hijaban and wears a Abaya. I couldnt resist and asked her "yaar tum logoon ki himmat hai ke itni garmi mein bhi abaya pehantay hu" and she said something like "there is no question about 'himmat', this is something u have to do tu bus, thats it, u have to do it".

I m not discussing about if it is something that u have to do, thats a personal opinion lets leave that apart but her dedication to what she beleives in. I felt when u have a faith in something u dont ask questions, it is a deficiency of faith in our hearts that impels us to ask silly questions, deep inside us the reason is not to learn but find a way to prove it wrong.

Khair, a salute for her for having such a strong faith in whatever she does. God bless u.

Materialistic Blogs.

When I first started writing one I thought it would be like my own room, away from rest of the world but I was wrong. Its mere another way of socializing, the life here is no different than the one we live in, the flesh and bone world. Some are more popular, some are not, some try to be, some don’t care. If you stop visiting their blogs, leaving comments, they stop visiting yours. Technology involved or not, where there are humans involved its going to be materialistic.

Restless Night.

Second continuous restless night. Disrupt sleep, bewilder dreams. When I wakeup I don’t feel fresh rather disquiet, tired, as if, I have been running in the deserts for miles. I m tired & exhausted, my legs and head hurts. Took few pain killers yesterday, I think will have to take few more today. I can’t concentrate to read, and as I m writing this blog my thoughts, words, fingers on keyboard are not supporting me. I think I know the reason for all this. Don’t know the solution, but I know what might be causing it.

When I started writing my journal/blog, I was not sure if I really will be able to share anything, what goes on in my head, I guess sometimes we just can’t; we don’t even discuss it with our selves in our mind, how can we with the empty space where we know others will read? Cant seem to find a word for what I feel, lugubrious perhaps?..No. Apprehension?

Bored.

Yesternight I watched Page 3. Most ppl I know didn’t like it, one of the friends did and so did I. I mean, in the first hour or so I was thinking what a waste of time, exaggeration, poorly filmed but than gradually it started to make a sense. Like when u get a new assignment about something u haven’t even heard of and u don’t know where to start what to do and start trying random approaches and u find something, something that might not be enough but it leads u to some direction. It still might wont lead u in the right direction but the important thing is u started moving, path leads to new clues and new directions until at one point u finally get it all.

Or like a huge raw material and u r not even sure what u have to find in this junk, u just dig in, try ur wits out to find something and u just cant figure it out what? Than u find something, that gives u an idea what sort of things I should start looking for, u find another and now more confident and so forth.

Khair. Coming back to the movie, its not a big budget movie so don’t expect it to be perfect in all aspects, just concentrate on the msg. I don’t know if it was an art movie but I will certainly call it different. “You have to be in the society to change the society” that’s what one of the dialogue was, being a good human isn’t only important thing needed, u just cant go stand alone in the middle of society and declare the war, they kick u out of the ring, and u must stay in to win the game. You have to play smart, sometimes, difficult – but necessary.

Sigh…I m bored.

Perhaps...

Perhaps I love u so much afterall.

Machar bhi buhut hain, khatmal bhi buhut hain

Puzzeled

5:40 AM : Cell rang & kept ringing. I tried to avoid it as if there was no ring & continue my sleep but it didn’t let me.

Me: Hello

Friend: kia ker raha hai?

Me: Shadi mein aya huwa hoon &%^$#@^%&^$# abay is waqt kia karoon ga?

Friend: aja nashta kernay chaltay hain

Me: raat ko 4 baje? *eek*

Friend: abay subah ho gaye its 5:45…uth ker aja I m waiting

Me: Okay &^$#%^&^&%#$#^&^%&^$#@#^

Friend: Haha chal na bus aja

Me: It’s a Sunday *crying*

Friend: Abay ata hai ke ….. *mad*

Me: Okay *bummer*

5:50 AM : was about to wash my face & BANG. Couldn’t really understand what happened… felt the bang was in the apartment but where? Started checking the rooms, mom came too she heard it as load & clear as I did. Found nothing, puzzeled.

6:10 AM : Told mom I m going out

6:20 AM : was with friend, had a long walk instead of driving & reached a pathan ke dhabay ki hotel. Had the usual crap chat, twice had the tea & that’s it.

7:30 AM: Got home, started the computer & it gave me a msg “network cable not plugged” …what the &^%#$@@%&&^%$#@

7:32 AM : Check the cable end it was fine, check the switch no light, it’s a physical connectivity problem.

7:40 AM : Unplugged the Network card (thinking it might be it) used another card & restarted.

7:50 AM : No good. Same msg. checked the ends again, checked if there was carbon or rust cleaned em & checked them again. No Luck.

8:05 AM: tired. Puzzeled. What suddenly went wrong? &^$##$^&%%#&^

8:10 AM: Went in kitchen to drink some water and….”whats this?” asked myself, there was this pipe popped out from the top of the kitchen shelves ….this is the same pipe that carries my cable & phone lines.

8:15 AM : got the chair to inspect, & it felt it was pulled out, wires were stretching out in that small hole in the wall.

8:18 AM: went out to see (there is hardly only 2-3 feet area where the wires r not shielded in the pipe) & exactly that part was like hmmm pulled deliberately & cable wire was broken

8:25 AM: Inspecting & getting more confused. How? This part is inside the apartment, who could be here? The part of wires that’s exposed is in open to sky area but it has iron grills above & those r too high.

8:35 AM: Started to repair the wires (connecting them with a joint :( ) four pairs on both sides & tiny wires took a while.

8:50 AM: Check if net worked…yes it did.

9:05 AM: Washed hands, came back on PC & writing this entry (Still Confused) &^&%$@#@$^*&*%#$@

Still Puzzeled, confused & sleepy.....ohh here comes my chai.